he plays russian roulette with only one bullet
by emilyforprez
Summary: a season one chuck character study.


**A/N: **What happened to awesome Chuck? This new one is such a little pussy. Anywya, this is for **Jazzie**, who misses season one Chuck/Chair just as much as I do. There is Chair in this but a lot of this is Chuck. A character-study, if you will. I wanted to capture _everything_; the way he can be fucked up and pitiful without overwhelming us with his problems.

* * *

He doesn't give a fuck.

That's kind of a problem but also not. He can do whatever, smoke whatever, snort whatever, fuck whatever, and no one bats an eye. They've learned that because he doesn't give a fuck, neither should they, and he's pretty much free to do as he pleases, and no one cares. They all just roll their eyes, write it off as Chuck being Chuck, and stay their distance away from him. Or carry a gun when he's around.

And that's the reputaton he's built for himself. He's just screwed up, everyone says. Screwed up dad, screwed up mom, screwed up, twisted mind, and so he just screws up. And down. And he screws whoever he wants.

The only thing he has is publicity and his bad reputation, and bad publicity is better than none. He'd rather be hated than loved for anything. Because no one loves him, but he doesn't want to be loved, because that opens himself up to get hurt. He'll just fuck everything. And he'll screw up and down and all around and he'll ruin everything because that's what he does.

He tears down what people build for themselves. He peels off layers and destroys constructions that take years to build. He demolishes walls and pushes boundaries and keeps pushing until it's broken.

It's what he does best.

* * *

No one pities him because he's not given them a chance to find any redeeming qualities about him. Like, no one pities the serial killer or the cannibal or the rapist, so if he keeps building this reputation around him, keeps tearing down the weak and defenseless, he'll either be hated or feared, no in between. And no one pities him. He doesn't even pity himself.

He figures that there's no room for pity. Not for himself or for anyone else.

* * *

Chuck's never killed a man but he doesn't think it'd be hard to do.

He kills things all the time, just not in the literal sense. He destroys things and no one cares, so if he destroys a life, or takes one, or takes his own, well, he's killed a man, and no one would really care much. "It's just Chuck being Chuck."

But there's a line between reckless behavior and insanity. He's not ready to cross it, but maybe, one day...

* * *

He takes what he wants. He's always been very selfish, and it doesn't bother him, he doesn't really _care_, doesn't really get why it's a big deal. He's only looking out for himself. It's the natural survival process. When the world ends, what're you gonna get by helping an old lady drag herself to some sort of Y2K hut? You won't get shit. You'll just get dead.

Anyway, on that night in particular, he wants Blair Waldorf.

She's a toy to him. At least right now, but he doesn't think it'll change, even though it does. She's always been so frigid and cold that he didn't even bother wanting her, because she'd be a horrible fuck and, anyways, Nate has the rights to that ass, even if he'll fuck it up.

But he decides when she's half-naked up onstage, all small body and pretty face and perky ass, that he'll take her. He'll have this toy, play with it for a while, use it until it's worn and ragged, and then he'll toss it away and get a new one. She doesn't realize it yet, but she wants him. Doesn't everyone?

And maybe he's too arrogant but when she fucks him, it kind of proves his point, doesn't it?

(For the record, she_ is_ shit in the sack.)

* * *

It's halfway through their little fling - or whatever it is; he'd call them fuckbuddies but she's opposed to the term - that he gets scared shitless. That's really how it begins. He's waking up in his suite and she's there, naked, watching the sun rise over the city, and it hits him: he's let her get close.

So he thinks he can change it all, get a little rougher in bed, less gentle, less talking. If he gets it straight with her, let's her know what they are - they're _fuckbuddies_, and she might hate the phrase but fuck it, it's what they are - then maybe she'll get tired of him, first, and they can both go back to being themselves.

But when she gets tired of him, he's suddenly wants it all. He suddenly wants her, all of her, the fucking and the kissing and the whole dating shabang, even if he'll fuck it up. He wants her and it scares him, scares him so much.

She comes to him after he's destroyed everything (it's what he does, kills things). She's dead and he can see it in her eyes, bleak and dull and sad, like she's lost everything. And she comes to him, smiling her fake smile. "You've killed everything," she tells him without actually saying it. "You've ruined everything about me, but now I'm just like you. I'm just like you now - no one likes me and I'm fucked up, just like you, and just like you, I've fallen to the bottom. So tell me that you wanted me just like you. Tell me that you wanted me to come to your level, and I'll be with you, because you've won, and now I'm _just like you._"

But he tells her that she's even worse than he is. He tells her that she's no longer above him, no longer queen, no longer anything, not even on his level. She's fallen below him. And when he tells her that, he suddenly knows what it's like to kill a person.

He pulls the trigger and watches her bleed, and he feels powerful, so powerful. Nothing can touch him now.


End file.
